How do I co-parent with a high-conflict ex?

Posted by: Dr. Justin D'Arienzo, Psy.D., ABPP

After more than 20 years of working with divorced and separated families, I have seen one principle repeatedly: Children generally do better when parents reduce opportunities for conflict and create predictable routines. In high conflict divorce, the goal is not necessarily to make two parents cooperate closely. Sometimes the healthier goal is to create enough structure that they do not have to negotiate every decision.

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A detailed parenting plan can help accomplish this. When parents repeatedly disagree about pickup times, holidays, extracurricular activities, vacations, or school decisions, ambiguity becomes an invitation for conflict. High conflict parenting plans often work better when they clearly identify parenting days, exchange times and locations, holiday schedules, communication methods, and decision-making responsibilities. The greater the conflict between parents, the more important clarity may become.

Another important strategy is reducing unnecessary parent-to-parent contact. Exchanges through school or childcare can sometimes eliminate emotionally charged face-to-face interactions. Written communication may also be preferable when telephone conversations routinely deteriorate into arguments. Most importantly, children should never become the messenger between their parents.

Parents also need to remember that divorce ends the adult relationship; it does not end the child’s relationship with either parent. Children can experience significant emotional strain when they believe that loving one parent represents a betrayal of the other. Parents should create an environment in which children can openly enjoy their relationship with both parents without guilt, interrogation, criticism, or pressure to take sides.

High-conflict parents sometimes believe that greater flexibility demonstrates good co-parenting. In reality, excessive flexibility can create repeated opportunities for disagreement. For some families, a highly structured schedule is actually more peaceful because expectations are known in advance.

This does not mean every divorced family needs rigid rules. Parenting plans should reflect the unique circumstances of the family, including the children’s ages, school schedules, activities, developmental needs, and any legitimate safety concerns.

The central question should always be:

“Does this decision reduce the child’s exposure to parental conflict?”

When parents begin making decisions through that lens, they shift the focus away from winning disputes and toward protecting their children’s emotional well-being.

By Dr. Justin D’Arienzo, Psychologist

D’Arienzo Psychology has been serving Florida’s residents for 20 years assisting families in managing high conflict divorce and providing comprehensive psychological care. All our psychologists provide forensic and clinical psychological services.