How do I co-parent with a high-conflict ex?

Last Updated: October 2026

High-Conflict Divorce: Parenting Plans That Actually Work

After more than 20 years of working with divorced and separated families, I’ve learned that some parents simply aren’t going to get along. It doesn’t matter how many times they’re told to cooperate, communicate better, or put their differences aside. Every conversation becomes an argument, and sometimes even the smallest parenting decision turns into another battle.

When this happens, I often recommend a different approach. Instead of expecting two people who consistently argue to somehow become excellent co-parents, we need to create a parenting arrangement that limits their opportunities for conflict.

The children don’t need their parents to be friends. They need predictability, consistency, and the freedom to have a relationship with each parent when that relationship is safe and appropriate.

Stop Expecting High-Conflict Parents to Agree on Everything

One of the biggest mistakes I see in high-conflict divorce cases is expecting parents to communicate and negotiate constantly. That might work when two parents have a reasonably cooperative relationship. It often doesn’t work when nearly every interaction ends in conflict.

This is where parallel parenting can be helpful. Rather than requiring frequent communication, each parent follows an established parenting plan and manages day-to-day responsibilities during their own parenting time.

The parents still communicate when necessary, particularly about important matters involving the children. But they aren’t constantly negotiating things that should already be addressed in their parenting plan.

I sometimes tell parents that the goal isn’t necessarily to improve their relationship with each other. The goal is to create a situation in which their children are no longer caught in the middle of that relationship.

A Good Parenting Plan Leaves Less Room for Arguments

I’ve seen parents spend an extraordinary amount of time arguing about things that should have been settled in their parenting plan. Pickup times, holidays, extracurricular activities, vacations, and even how children are supposed to communicate with the other parent can become sources of ongoing conflict.

A vague parenting plan may work for parents who get along. For parents who don’t, ambiguity can create one disagreement after another.

A detailed high-conflict parenting plan should address matters such as:

• Specific parenting days and times
• Exchange locations and transportation responsibilities
• Holiday, birthday, and vacation schedules
• How and when parents communicate
• School activities and extracurricular responsibilities
• Medical, educational, and other major decisions
• Procedures for schedule changes and disagreements

The more conflict there is, the more important these details become. A good plan should be specific enough that the parents don’t have to repeatedly argue about what it means.

I also remind parents that a parenting plan needs to reflect the reality of their circumstances. It shouldn’t be based entirely on how cooperative everyone hopes to become someday. It needs to work for the parents and children as they are now.

For example, if parents have repeatedly argued about the exchange location, the plan should clearly identify the location, time, and transportation responsibilities. Leaving those details open to interpretation simply creates another opportunity for disagreement.

Less Communication Can Sometimes Be Better

Parents are frequently told that good co-parenting requires good communication. Generally, I agree. But what happens when nearly every telephone call turns into an argument?

In those situations, reducing unnecessary communication can actually be beneficial.

Written communication, particularly through a parenting communication application, can help keep discussions focused and provide a record of important information. Messages should be brief, factual, and related to the children.

Another option is arranging parenting exchanges through school or childcare when appropriate. This can reduce face-to-face interactions that frequently result in conflict.

The objective isn’t to avoid necessary parental responsibilities. It’s to stop creating unnecessary opportunities for arguments.

Parents also need to recognize that not every disagreement requires an immediate response. Unless something genuinely involves the child’s health, safety, or an urgent parenting responsibility, taking time to respond thoughtfully is often better than reacting emotionally.

Keep the Children Out of the Middle

One of my greatest concerns in high-conflict divorce cases is what happens to the children when parents continue fighting long after their relationship has ended.

Children should not be responsible for carrying messages between parents, reporting on what happens in the other household, or deciding which parent is right.

They also shouldn’t feel guilty for enjoying time with one parent because they believe it will upset the other.

I encourage parents to pay particular attention to what they say about the other parent in front of their children. Even seemingly innocent comments can place a child in the uncomfortable position of feeling that they must choose sides.

I’ve worked with children who feel responsible for their parents’ emotions. They worry about what they can say, what they should keep to themselves, and whether showing affection toward one parent will hurt the other.

That’s not a responsibility any child should have.

Of course, legitimate concerns about abuse, neglect, domestic violence, or a child’s safety must be taken seriously. Protecting children does not mean ignoring these concerns or forcing unsafe contact. Parenting arrangements must address safety concerns and any applicable court orders.

Sometimes Structure Is More Important Than Flexibility

Parents sometimes assume that being flexible automatically makes them better co-parents. In cooperative families, flexibility can certainly be helpful.

But in high-conflict families, frequent requests to change the schedule can become another source of disagreement.

For some parents, a predictable schedule with clearly defined expectations is much more effective. Everyone knows when exchanges occur, who is responsible for transportation, and what happens during holidays and school breaks.

This doesn’t mean the children’s needs should be ignored in favor of rigid rules. A parenting plan must account for their ages, developmental needs, school schedules, activities, and safety. But unnecessary flexibility shouldn’t create constant instability for the children.

I often see parents who want a parenting plan that works perfectly under ideal circumstances. Unfortunately, high-conflict families rarely operate under ideal circumstances. We need plans that work when parents disagree, when schedules change, and when communication is difficult.

What I Want High-Conflict Parents to Remember

When parents are involved in ongoing disputes, it’s easy for the focus to shift toward who is right, who is wrong, and who is getting their way.

I encourage parents to ask themselves a different question:

Will this decision actually make things better for my child, or is it just another battle with the other parent?

Parents may genuinely believe they’re doing everything possible to cooperate. But good intentions alone don’t tell us how well a parenting arrangement is working.

We also need to look at what’s actually happening. Are the children regularly exposed to arguments? Are exchanges stressful? Is the schedule predictable? Are the children’s emotional and developmental needs being met?

Those are the issues that matter.

In my forensic work, I frequently emphasize that we cannot evaluate parenting arrangements solely by what parents say they intend to do. We also have to examine what is actually occurring and how those circumstances affect the children.

Ultimately, a parenting plan should be evaluated by how well it serves the children’s needs, not by which parent feels they received the better arrangement.

High-Conflict Co-Parenting and Divorce Courses

Not every parent needs the same level of education or assistance. Some benefit from a basic parent education course. Others need more specific guidance about managing conflict, setting boundaries, and reducing unnecessary interactions with the other parent.

At D’Arienzo Psychology, we offer online parent education and high-conflict co-parenting courses designed to help parents better understand these issues.

High-Conflict Co-Parenting Course

Our online high-conflict co-parenting course addresses many of the difficulties parents experience during and after contentious divorces. The course includes a certificate of completion and provides practical education about managing parenting conflicts.

Learn More About Our High-Conflict Co-Parenting Class

State-Specific Divorce and Parent Education Courses

We also offer state-specific online parent education courses for parents going through divorce or separation.

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  Florida Parent Education and Family Stabilization Course
  
• 
  Georgia Parent Divorce and Co-Parenting Course
  
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  Texas Online Parent Divorce and Co-Parenting Course
  

If you’re required to complete a parenting course as part of a divorce or custody matter, check the specific requirements of your court before enrolling.

About Dr. Justin D’Arienzo

I’m Dr. Justin D’Arienzo, Psy.D., MSCP, ABPP, a board-certified clinical psychologist and former U.S. Navy psychologist. For more than 20 years, my work has included helping families deal with divorce, separation, parenting disputes, and high-conflict relationships.

My experience includes both clinical and forensic psychology, including parenting coordination and court-related family evaluations. At D’Arienzo Psychology, we work with families facing difficult parenting situations and offer educational resources intended to help parents better manage the challenges that come with divorce.

I believe that parents should spend less time fighting about their parenting arrangements and more time making sure those arrangements actually meet their children’s needs.