Last updated September 2026.
One of the biggest problems I see with marriage is that people enter it with expectations that sound romantic but are not particularly realistic.
We grow up with movies, love songs, social media, weddings, and stories that focus heavily on falling in love. Nobody makes many movies about coordinating carpools, paying the mortgage, deciding whose family gets Thanksgiving, dealing with a toddler at 2:00 a.m., or trying to have a meaningful conversation when both people are exhausted.
Love matters tremendously. But love by itself does not automatically teach two people how to communicate, manage conflict, raise children, handle money, maintain intimacy, recover from disappointment, or stay connected over decades.
I have worked with couples for more than two decades, and these are five marriage myths I see repeatedly.
Myth #1: A Good Marriage Shouldn’t Have Problems
This may be the most damaging myth of all.
Healthy couples disagree.
They get annoyed with each other. They misunderstand one another. They have different priorities, personalities, families, spending habits, sexual preferences, parenting styles, and ideas about how the dishwasher should be loaded.
The absence of conflict is not the definition of a healthy relationship.
In fact, research associated with Drs. John and Julie Gottman suggests that many relationship conflicts are perpetual problems rooted in enduring differences between partners. The goal is often not to eliminate every disagreement. It is to learn how to manage those differences without allowing them to become contemptuous, hostile, or emotionally destructive.
Read More About Solvable and Perpetual Relationship Problems
I tell couples that sometimes the goal is not to finally win an argument you have been having for 15 years. The goal may be to learn how to have that disagreement without damaging the relationship.
Myth #2: Having a Lot in Common Is the Secret to a Great Marriage
Compatibility helps. Shared interests can certainly make spending time together more enjoyable.
But liking the same restaurants, music, football team, travel destinations, or hobbies does not guarantee a good marriage.
I have seen couples with almost everything in common who could barely tolerate one another. I have also seen very different people build strong marriages because they respected those differences and knew how to work together.
What matters more is how you handle the places where you are not alike.
Can you disagree without attacking each other?
Can your partner express a different opinion without you treating it as rejection?
Can you be curious about why your spouse thinks differently instead of immediately trying to prove that he or she is wrong?
A strong relationship does not require two identical people. In fact, that would probably get pretty boring.
Myth #3: My Marriage Will Be Better When My Spouse Changes
I hear versions of this one all the time.
If he would communicate more…
If she would stop criticizing me…
If he were more affectionate…
If she weren’t so emotional…
If he would finally understand what I need…
The problem with building your happiness around changing another person is that you have placed your emotional well-being in the hands of someone you cannot control.
That does not mean accepting abuse, betrayal, addiction, or destructive behavior. Nor does it mean couples should never ask each other to change.
It means that healthy relationship work also requires asking:
“What am I contributing to this pattern, and what can I do differently?”
That question is usually much more productive than spending an entire therapy session building a legal case against your spouse.
Myth #4: Sex Inevitably Becomes Boring in a Long Marriage
Long-term relationships change. Sex often changes with them.
Careers, children, pregnancy, aging, stress, medications, health problems, menopause, testosterone changes, body image, exhaustion, resentment, and simply having less privacy can all affect sexual intimacy.
But reduced excitement is not an unavoidable law of marriage.
Couples who maintain satisfying intimacy tend to keep talking about it.
That sounds obvious, but many couples can discuss mortgages, children, jobs, and vacations more comfortably than they can talk about sex.
Sexual connection requires communication, curiosity, affection, willingness to discuss changing needs, and a relationship in which both people feel emotionally safe enough to say what they want and what they do not want.
The Gottman Institute similarly emphasizes the relationship between communication about sex, emotional safety, and sexual satisfaction.
Don’t assume your partner should automatically know what you need sexually after 10, 20, or 30 years. People change.
Talk.
Myth #5: If We’re Really in Love, We Should Always Feel in Love
No.
Anyone who has been married for a long time understands this.
There will be moments when you feel incredibly connected to your spouse and moments when you are irritated simply by the way that person is chewing.
Feelings fluctuate.
Long-term relationships cannot depend entirely on whether both people happen to feel intensely romantic on a particular Tuesday afternoon.
Commitment involves continuing to invest in the relationship during periods when life is demanding and the emotional payoff is not immediate.
That means making time for each other, remaining curious about each other, showing affection, protecting the relationship, repairing after conflict, and continuing to behave like partners.
Love is partly something you feel.
Over time, it is also something you repeatedly do.
Another Myth: Your Spouse Should Know What You Need Without Being Told
I know the title says five myths, but this one deserves to sneak onto the list.
People sometimes treat mind-reading as evidence of love.
If he really loved me, he would know why I’m upset.
If she knew me, I wouldn’t have to ask.
That is not intimacy. That is an impossible test.
The strongest couples become better at understanding each other over time, but nobody has direct access to another person’s thoughts.
If something matters to you, learn how to say it.
Conflict Is Not the Problem. How You Handle It Is.
One reason I like the Gottman framework is that it does not pretend healthy couples never fight.
The more useful question is what happens during conflict.
Do disagreements turn into criticism of your partner’s character?
Does one person become defensive about everything?
Does contempt enter the conversation?
Does someone completely shut down?
Those patterns can become much more damaging than the topic the couple originally disagreed about.
The Gottmans’ research has focused extensively on criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling, patterns they call the “Four Horsemen” as particularly important markers of relationship distress.
See Our Gottman Couples Counseling Resources and 19 Areas Checklist
A Healthy Marriage Still Takes Work
I don’t mean “work” in the sense that marriage should feel miserable or exhausting.
I mean intentional effort.
Good relationships usually involve people continuing to do the things that helped create the relationship in the first place:
- Talking to each other
- Being interested in each other’s lives
- Spending time together
- Showing affection
- Having sex
- Laughing together
- Supporting each other’s goals
- Repairing conflict
- Expressing appreciation
- Protecting the relationship from outside interference
None of that is particularly complicated.
But when couples stop doing those things for several years, the relationship can begin to feel more like a business partnership than a marriage.
Don’t Wait Until the Marriage Is on Fire
Couples often wait too long before asking for help.
They may spend years becoming increasingly disconnected and then finally call when someone has had an affair, moved into another bedroom, asked for a divorce, or emotionally checked out of the relationship.
We certainly work with couples at that stage.
But couples counseling does not have to be the emergency room of marriage.
Sometimes a few focused conversations early in a problem can prevent years of resentment later.
My Work With Couples and Relationships
Couples Counseling at D’Arienzo Psychology
D’Arienzo Psychology has several psychologists and counselors who work with couples and relationships. Our providers use Gottman-informed strategies along with other evidence-based and clinically established approaches depending on the couple and the issues involved.
Dr. Justin D’Arienzo, Psy.D., MSCP, ABPP
My relationship work includes couples counseling, marriage therapy, premarital preparation, infidelity, intimacy, communication, high-conflict relationships, separation, and divorce-related concerns.
I also hold PSYPACT authority, allowing eligible telepsychology services across participating jurisdictions when applicable requirements are met.
Dr. Amy Hartley, Ph.D.
Dr. Amy Hartley is a clinical and forensic psychologist whose work includes couples, relationships, anxiety, depression, trauma, PTSD, family concerns, and major life transitions.
Dr. Hartley also holds PSYPACT authority for eligible interstate telepsychology.
Dr. Erica Janson, Psy.D.
Dr. Erica Janson is a clinical and forensic psychologist whose work includes couples, families, parenting, anxiety, trauma, and relationship concerns.
Dr. Michael Nackashi, Psy.D.
Dr. Michael Nackashi is a clinical, forensic, and sports psychologist who also works with couples, particularly young adults, college-age clients, athletes, and young professionals managing relationship and life-transition concerns.
Mario Decunto, LMHC
Mario Decunto is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor who works with couples and families and provides counseling in both English and Spanish.
Marriage and Relationship Help Beyond the Therapy Office
Not every couple needs weekly couples therapy.
Some couples are doing reasonably well but want to become more intentional about communication, conflict, intimacy, finances, and shared goals.
For those couples, I created an Online Marriage & Relationship Tune-Up Course that couples can complete together.
Engaged couples can also explore our online premarital education programs and relationship resources.
Frequently Asked Questions About Marriage
Do healthy couples argue?
Yes. Conflict is normal in long-term relationships. What matters more is how the couple handles disagreement and whether they can repair after conflict.
Does having a lot in common predict a successful marriage?
Shared interests can help couples enjoy time together, but compatibility involves much more than liking the same activities. Respect, communication, emotional safety, flexibility, and the ability to manage differences are also important.
Should I try to change my spouse?
Partners can reasonably ask one another to change behaviors that are hurting the relationship. The problem occurs when one person’s entire happiness depends upon transforming the other person’s personality.
Is it normal for sexual desire to change during marriage?
Yes. Desire and sexual frequency can change over the course of a relationship. Stress, health, children, age, hormones, medications, resentment, and relationship quality can all play a role. Couples should be able to discuss those changes openly.
Should married people always feel in love?
No. Emotional intensity naturally fluctuates. Healthy long-term relationships depend partly on maintaining connection and commitment even during periods when romantic feelings are less intense.
When should couples consider counseling?
You do not need to wait until divorce is imminent. Couples may benefit from professional help when the same conflicts keep repeating, communication has become hostile or avoidant, trust has been damaged, intimacy has declined, or both people feel increasingly disconnected.
Couples Counseling and Relationship Services
If you and your partner have become stuck in the same arguments, are dealing with infidelity or mistrust, have lost emotional or physical connection, or simply want to strengthen the relationship, contact us and tell us what is happening.
D’Arienzo Psychology provides relationship and couples services in person and through telepsychology where legally and clinically appropriate.
More Relationship Advice From Dr. D’Arienzo
This article provides general relationship education and is not a substitute for individualized psychological or couples counseling.
