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Online Tennessee Premarital Preparation Course Login Page Demo

Section 1

Optional Video. Similar Material

“The Sound Relationship House” – Developed by John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman

Having a sound relationship house is the goal. You may be asking yourself, “What is a relationship house?”  A sound relationship house is not by definition a perfect house, but rather a house that is functional. It has good days and it has bad days, but overall the house functions, is safe, and is a place where a family or couple can thrive. There are four components of the Sound Relationship House. These components include:

Friendship

Friendship is based on how well we know our partner. The Gottman’s defined the term for how well we know our partner as a love map. Each of us has a love map. Truly knowing our partner is knowing their love map. Knowing our partner equates to understanding their likes and dislikes, knowing about their history and goals (including past traumas), and being knowledgeable about how they will act in given situations. It is also about knowing their interests and enjoyments, such as their favorite types of movies, favorite foods, and their hobbies. In addition to knowledge that comes with knowing someone in an intimate relationship, there are many other tools that help us gain an understanding of our partner – tools such as personality tests, such as the Myers-Briggs, which tell us a lot about how our partners perceive and understand the world.

How can you work to build your love map with your partner? Understanding and knowing your partner as described above is a big step in building your love map. Ask yourself, do you admire your partner and express fondness toward them? Do you turn toward your partner?  For example, do you spend time together, do you express an interest in your partner’s perspective, do you share values, do you listen, is he or she your best friend? Getting to the point where you answer yes to all of these questions is a great way to build a strong love map.

A Positive Lens

Just like we know that a positive attitude can improve one’s reactions to life in general, research has found that those with a “positive lens”, or positive perspective, toward their partner created a substantial positive difference in their relationship toward the positive compared to those with a negative lens or negative perspective. With a steady positive attitude, partners typically gives their partner the benefit of the doubt when their spouse or partner makes a mistake. And when their partner does something pleasing, the partner on the receiving end sees this behavior as confirmation that their partner is a great person. On the other hand, couples who regularly experienced hurt, misunderstanding, anger, disappointment, unjust accusations, frustration and personal attacks develop a negative lens. This results in thoughts of leaving, getting even, or protecting themselves. Developing a negative lens leads to a downhill slide in a relationship. With a negative lens, once one’s partner acts unjustly or inappropriate, one views this as confirmation that their partner is not trustworthy or not right for them.

Managing Conflict

Couples that are able to understand and manage their emotions and behaviors, as well as understand how their partners respond to conflict, are significantly better equipped to have functional relationships. This is related to what is known as Emotional Intelligence. The Gottman’s have found that couples that are able to manage conflict do well, whereas those that don’t manage conflict well often divorce. The Gottman’s uncovered four behaviors that are exhibited during conflict that either sustain conflict or lead to even greater conflict. I will discuss each of these behaviors, labeled the Four Horsemen, and also provide antidotes for each, below.

  • CRITICISM – The first of the four horseman. According to John Gottman, most relationships have an element of “criticism”, but it is imperative that couples work on reducing the level of criticism that they give to their partner. Further, when a relationship become negative or highly conflicted, most feedback is perceived as negative. In fact, even constructive criticism is considered negative. Research shows that for every one criticism given, five positive statements are needed to counteract the negative effect of this one statement. This makes it difficult when a relationship is already negative, as it becomes extremely difficult to have positive interactions. The goal is not to be critical, which will help prevent a downward spiral.

    Conflict Rules for Improving Couples Communication

  • DEFENSIVENESS – The second of the four horsemen and a major offender in relationships. It is one of the most frequent behaviors that I observe in couples therapy when there is conflict. Defensiveness is often a reflex action to criticism or to perceived criticism. Sometimes there is no criticism but just feedback stated. However, the individual on the receiving end responds by blaming the other for doing the same thing, denies their responsibility in the matter or whines and makes an excuse for their behavior. When the original speaker experiences the defensiveness of the receiver they often feel invalidated and alone and the couple becomes more distant. Antidotes to defensiveness are the following: (1) Remind yourself that a relationship is about being part of a team (not two individuals working against each other). (2) Rather than seeing your partner’s words as an attack, see them as strong expressions of feelings about the topic being discussed. (3) Acknowledge that you are not perfect. (4) Remind yourself of the positive qualities of your partner. (5) Most importantly, take some responsibility for the feedback your partner is expressing. Don’t apologize for something you have not done. Accepting even 10 percent of responsibility, if it is due, will de-escalate tension, improve communication, and build trust.
  • STONEWALLING – The third of the four horsemen. Stonewalling is just as it sounds. It is an avoidance or refusal to address or communicate about an issue or conflict. To the other partner, stonewalling often feels as though they are “talking to a brick wall”. In his research, Dr. Gottman found that 85 percent of men used stonewalling as a way of dealing with conflict, yet they did not realize that this was a very destructive strategy. Men often use a distancing technique to cope with high levels of emotion. Remember that withdrawing from an argument does not solve it and “parallel living” has been found to be a consequence of this behavior over the longer term. Parallel living leads to a pulling away from a relationship, leaving it vulnerable to outside forces. Also stonewalling leads to increased conflict and major melt downs when the non-stonewaller begins to chase the stonewaller about an issue. At some point the stonewaller reacts with rage, often leading the couple to a regrettable incident. Antidotes to Stonewalling are as follows: Resist the temptation to withdraw -stay with your partner emotionally. Look for the good in each other. Make time for positive experiences. Don’t ignore your partner and give some sort of response even if it is just a nod or a brief reply. Further, it is important to practice good self care to avoid stonewalling. We often stonewall because we are anxious about conflict. Conflict causes many of us anxiety. Again, in order to better manage the anxiety of dealing with difficult issues, it is important to practice good self care like getting a good night sleep, exercising frequently, and maintaining a healthy diet. Avoidance is okay in a relationship as long as you are avoiding stonewalling.
  • CONTEMPT – The fourth of the four horsemen (belligerence is a term used by Gottman to describe a stronger form of contempt. Belligerence is also known as the cousin of the four horsemen). Gottman believed that “contempt” was the most dangerous of the horsemen and he found that “contempt in a relationship” was predictive of divorce in 86 percent of cases. “Contempt” can be described as any behavior which causes your partner to feel “put down”. Examples include belittling your partner, treating them with disdain, eye rolling, sneering, insults, name calling, mocking and cynicism. Contempt can be as simple as having disdain or disgust with your partner in how they chew gum, eat, drive, or snore at night. Warning signs of “contempt” include: You no longer feel admiration for your partner. It is difficult for you to remember your partner’s positive aspects. You feel that your partner has severe personality deficiencies. Antidotes for contempt include: Focus on your partner’s positive qualities. Use “time-out” when you recognize that the situation is becoming heated. Watch your tone and facial expressions. Focus on the behavior and not the person. Most importantly, gain an appreciation of where your partner is coming from. Often when we are able to put our partner’s behavior in context, we have a greater appreciation of the cause or causes of their behavior and as a result, better see that their behavior is about them rather than about us.

Additional Tools to Resolve Conflict

It is imperative that both partners accept the “influence” of others. Typically in relationships there is a top and a bottom, and the top has ultimate veto power. Relationships are most effective when each party has equal veto power with most issues. Further, Dr. Gottman found that in the happiest of marriages, men accepted the “influence” of their partners. Examples of “influence” include: a belief that you can learn from your partner, not rejecting their opinions and believing that they can also come up with good solutions.

Partners that make effective repairs have functional and successful relationships. This means that functional parties resolve problems or arguments during the argument. When couples resolve each argument, problems are resolved at that time and do not become additive and resurface during a future argument. Further, having a partner who has the ability to say they are sorry is crucial. Being able to say you are wrong takes courage and trust and is helpful in reducing conflict and having a loving relationship. Creating an atmosphere where one can break the negativity is helpful. One can use humor or offer their partner a cup of coffee or tea after the argument, ask their partner for a hug or make light of the argument without invalidating the other. Make-up intimacy also helps make peace and reconnects the partners. Moreover, having a sense that your partner will accept your efforts to improve the situation and vice versa is paramount.

Making compromises is key in building trust and commitment and ensuring safety. Having a sense that your partner will give way on things if there is a disagreement ensures safety. “Black and white thinking” – such as “I’m right so you must be wrong” – is dangerous. Couples must be able to give and take in an argument and share power.

Also, couples need to fight with the end in mind. So what should the end in mind consist of? The end in mind should focus on resolving the issue and simultaneously ensuring your partner feels good during and after the conflict. Both partners must control their stubbornness. Couples should practice calming techniques, meaning they should pay attention to their heart rates. When we have a heart rate above 90 to 95 beats per minute, we are emotionally flooded and have difficulty being rational in arguments and are in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. When we are flooded, we should pause or take a time-out for 20 to 30 minutes from an argument and then resume discussion in order to resolve the conflict. Just as we should not spank our children when we are angry or emotional, we should not argue or discuss important matters with our partner when we are angry, or we will inevitably say or do something that we regret. Most importantly, if you need a break from an argument, take a break, but resolve the issue immediately following your break.

Watch for signs of flooding – like feeling overwhelmed, not being able to stay calm during arguments, wanting distance, and small issues becoming big ones. If you are flooded, take a break.

Finally, I have illustrated Safe Talking Techniques that have been adapted from Markman and Stanley in “Fighting for your Marriage.” These techniques enable each partner to speak without interruption.

  1. Use of a jointly valued item such as a talking tool (for example, a wedding ring or a photo of the family or the couple).
  2. Each person takes turns to hold the item and the person who holds it also holds the floor.
  3. The person listening then repeats back what they have heard and checks that it is correct.
  4. The other person then takes hold of the talking item and speaks while their partner summaries.

Dr. Gottman has developed a five step tool to discuss an issue or major problem that needs to be resolved. Remember the goal is to gain a greater understanding of where your partner is coming from rather than to win the argument. When I work with couples, I want them both to feel like they have been heard, understood, and are accepted for their position. Often achieving the above deescalates the situation and the couple finds resolution. Couples that get along and don’t have conflict easily agree to disagree. Couples who have high conflict are threatened by disagreement.

In using the five steps below, couples should work through each step together.

  1. Feelings: Share how you felt about the situation. Do not say why you felt that way. Avoid commenting on your partner’s feelings. Stay in your lane.
  2. Realities: Describe your “reality.” Take turns. Summarize and validate at least a part of your partner’s reality. Remember, their reality should not be a threat to you. During conflict we have selective attention and therefore partners remember the same situation differently.
  3. Triggers: Share what experiences or memories you have had that might have escalated the interaction, and the stories of why these are triggers for each of you. Own your own trigger. Don’t blame, criticize, or minimize your partner’s triggers.
  4. Responsibility: Acknowledge your own role in contributing to the fight or incident. This is the opposite of defensiveness. When we take a little responsibility this is deescalating for our partner.
  5. Constructive Plans: Plan together one way that each of you can make it better next time. Now that you both have a better appreciation of where your partner is coming from, you have been heard, and you each have taken some of the responsibility for the regrettable incident, you are better able to find a resolution with your partner.

Shared meaning of the relationship

Supporting each other’s hopes and dreams and having a shared understanding of the meaning brings us to the last section of the Sound Relationship House. If we are able to achieve friendship, see our partner through a positive lens, and resolve conflict, then we are ready for this last component. This component involves having shared rituals, goals, roles and symbols with each other.

  • Rituals: Finding shared rituals is important. Rituals bring us together, give us security, and provide us with an activity that we look forward to. Ask yourself what type of rituals you would consider creating with your partner. What are the rituals that you engage in within your family? Do you eat dinner together, are there special celebrations that you all value, do you share values regarding television, education, time spent together?
  • Goals: Just as it is important to have developed rituals, successful couples have shared goals and visions for their lives and the relationship. An effective relationship is one that supports each person achieving their own personal goals as well as the goals of their partner. Ask yourself and your partner, do you honor each other’s goals, do you have similar financial goals, do you have compatible life dreams, do you each value the accomplishments of the other, and do your life paths fit well together?
  • Roles: In an effective and functional relationship, each person has an agreed upon role or roles that are supported by the other. Ask yourself, do you support each other in your role in the family, does one of you have an expectation that you hold a particular role that is not shared by the other? How does this impact your relationship?

  • Symbols: In a functional partnership, individuals understand their partner’s meaning behind symbols and factors related to daily living. It is not necessary to have the same understanding or meaning with symbols but it is paramount that we appreciate what the following mean to our partner. It is also important not to just appreciate but to honor our partner’s meaning and reality of these symbols.  Some key symbols include:

    • The home
    • Money
    • The meaning of family
    • The role of sex
    • Fun and play
    • Trust
    • Personal freedom
    • Autonomy
    • Sharing power
    • Adventure

EXERCISE 1

Spend 30 minutes as a couple and complete the following exercises.

two women holding hands pre marriage counseling course
  1. Share something with your partner that they don’t know about you.
  2. Each of you share something that you admire or find amazing about the other.
  3. Commit to each other that for today you will practice moving toward each other and be open to the other’s expressions of affection and desire to communicate.
  4. Explore together how the balance of power may be improved in the relationship. Do you both share equal power related to spending, children, future plans, and domestic responsibilities?
  5. Use one of the techniques above to discuss an issue that has created conflict (Gottman or Markman and Stanley).
  6. Together discuss a personal goal that you would like the other to help you accomplish, create a new ritual that will define you as a couple, and discuss personal values that you each have that you would like to follow as a couple.

Section 2

Optional Video. Similar Material

Dr. Williard Harley (Author of His Needs, Her Needs, Building an Affair Proof Marriage)

In therapy working with couples, I have found using principals based on Dr. Harley’s work to be very practical and effective in helping partners understand what each other’s emotional needs are. It has been my experience that couples married over 30 years often do not truly know what the other’s emotional needs are. We often believe that our emotional needs are the same as our spouse. Believing that our partner’s needs are the same as ours without confirmation often leads us to relationship trouble. We typically try to love our partner in the way we want to be loved. This is not always the best way to show our partner how we feel. It is important to “know thy partner” and know what their needs are so they can feel fulfilled in the relationship just as we want to be fulfilled. Each partner has a love bank. When deposits are made, or when emotional needs are met, that love bank receives a deposit. The goal in a relationship is to fill each other’s love banks. When love banks are filled, conflict is reduced, and satisfaction is greatly increased.

Below is a list of emotional needs and examples of each.

EMOTIONAL NEEDS

Affection: hugs, kisses, compliments….

Sexual Fulfillment: sexual acts, flirtation, sexting, fantasy….

Conversation: talking about each other, the children, work, and family….

Recreational Companionship: preferring to be with your partner while engaging in a favorite activity….

Honesty and Openness: truth, trust, and sharing….

An Attractive Spouse: physical beauty, intellectual attraction….

Financial Support: maintaining the budget, providing income….

Domestic Support: caring for children, doing laundry, washing dishes, maintaining the home…

Family Commitment: preferring to be with the family over others…

Admiration: being seen as the hero or someone special by your partner….

EXERCISE 2

Spend 30 minutes as a couple and discuss the following:

Printable handout available: EMOTIONAL NEEDS

I would like each of you to rank your emotional needs (above) in terms of what you see as most important to least important in order to be happy and satisfied in your marriage or relationship. Please rank your emotional needs individually and confidentially. Once you each have ranked them (in order from 1 to 10, with 1 being most important and 10 being least important for your happiness), go back and forth and try to guess how the other ranked each need. Once you have completed the exercise, list your top five with two concrete examples of each of those five needs for your partner. If you are able to meet your partner’s top five needs each day, your partner will report greater satisfaction in the relationship.

Newlyweds Smiling

Section 3

Optional Video. Similar Material

Getting to Know Your Personality and Your Partner’s Personality

The Keirsey Temperament and Character Tests are similar to the Meyers-Briggs test. I have provided a link below for each person to complete the 70 question Keirsey Temperament test. After completing the test, your four letter profile will be emailed to you. Once you have your four letter profile, look below to see your profile name. Understanding your profile and your partner’s profile provides you with a greater awareness about your needs and perceptions as well as your partners.

EXERCISE 3

Take the personality test by clicking on the link below. Spend 30 minutes and discuss the following after taking the test: After you each have your four letter profile, return to this page and see the description of your temperaments. Discuss what some of the benefits and challenges you each face given your profile in your relationship. There is a great deal of information online that you should explore if you are more interested in understanding how these personality types interact.

Please use the link below to determine your personality type. You do NOT need to purchase any reports from these sites. Each of you will need to determine your personality type by taking one of the following three assessments. You should both take the same one. We prefer the first one listed.

https://www.16personalities.com/free-personality-test

or

http://www.keirsey.com/sorter/instruments2.aspx

Again, we prefer the 16 Personalities site. Again, you do not need to purchase anything to get a profile and a brief report. If you choose the Keirsey site and you are having difficulty with the Keirsey website and the other site is down, take the MBTI which has been attached as a pdf. You will have to score the MBTI yourself, but it is very easy to do. Your basic 4 letter profile should be the same on all three tests. I have attached the MBTI and the 16 Personalities site link for your convenience based on a few complaints from past users that the Keirsey website had been difficult to navigate.

MBTI-Premarital-Preparation-Course-Dr.-DArienzo-Psychologist

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The Four Temperaments

Dr. David Keirsey, a psychologist, has done a great deal of work on Personality Typing. He has created a theory of temperament associated with each type. He has identified sixteen personality profiles separated by four distinct categories. The titles used here for the temperament types, and the individual personality types listed within each temperament, are Keirsey’s own descriptions. You can click on the personality profiles for more information. (To open the links in a separate window, press & hold the “Control” key, or the “Command” key for Mac users.)

Man giving woman gift.

SJ – “The Guardians”

Keirsey describes the SJ group’s primary objective as “Security Seeking”. The SJ grouping includes the types:

  • ESTJ – “The Supervisors”
  • ISTJ – “The Inspectors”
  • ESFJ – “The Providers”
  • ISFJ – “The Protectors”

SP – “The Artisans”

Keirsey describes the SP group’s primary objective as “Sensation Seeking”. The SP grouping includes the types:

  • ESTP – “The Promoters”
  • ISTP – “The Crafters”
  • ESFP – “The Performers”
  • ISFP – “The Composers”

NT – “The Rationals”

Keirsey describes the NT group’s primary objective as “Knowledge Seeking”. The NT grouping includes the types:

  • ENTJ – “The Fieldmarshals”
  • INTJ – “The Masterminds”
  • ENTP – “The Inventors”
  • INTP – “The Architects”

NF – “The Idealists”

Keirsey describes the NF group’s primary objective as “Identity Seeking”. The NF grouping includes the types:

  • ENFJ – “The Teachers”
  • INFJ – “The Counselors”
  • ENFP – “The Champions”
  • INFP – “The Healers”

Section 4

Optional Video. Similar Material

MONEY & MARRIAGE

Money is not directly the cause of much strife in a relationship but more so the lack of it as well as over-spending. It is imperative that each partner understands how they themselves view money as well as how their partner views money. When each partner has a different relationship with money, trouble often ensues. Time and time again I see individuals in therapy who do not appreciate their partner’s value of money. Often one person is a saver and the other is a spender. The best way for couples to handle the money issue is first for each person to talk about their view of money and then to create a budget.

I also recommend, in order to minimize financial conflicts about money, partners should never ever keep financial secrets from the other. A relationship should be built upon trust and openness and this includes how we involve our partners with our finances. Finally, it is imperative that couples learn to live and spend within their means. You know you are living below or within your means if you are able to save a little and still have money left over at the end of each month.

EXERCISE 4

Take 30 minutes and read the following excerpt from the Moneymagazine.com article below and discuss the points. Next, create a budget. Independently develop a monthly budget to communicate your perspective and expectations to the other; then compare each other’s monthly budgets and develop a monthly budget together that you can agree upon.

10 steps to making a financial budget (Moneymagazine.com)

premarital counseling for black people

Learn how to budget by following these 10 steps on how to bring your spending under control.

  1. Budgets are a necessary evil.

    They’re the only practical way to get a grip on your spending – and to make sure your money is being used the way you want it to be used.

  2. Creating a budget generally requires three steps.

    Identify how you’re spending money now.

    Evaluate your current spending and set goals that take into account your long-term financial objectives.

    Track your spending to make sure it stays within those guidelines.

  3. Use software to save grief.

    If you use a personal-finance program such as Quicken or Microsoft Money, the built-in budget-making tools can create your budget for you.

  4. Don’t drive yourself nuts.

    One drawback of monitoring your spending by computer is that it encourages overzealous attention to detail. Once you determine which categories of spending can and should be cut (or expanded), concentrate on those categories and worry less about other aspects of your spending.

  5. Watch out for cash leakage.

    If withdrawals from the ATM machine evaporate from your pocket without apparent explanation, it’s time to keep better records. In general, if you find yourself returning to the ATM more than once a week or so, you need to examine where that cash is going.

  6. Spending beyond your limits is dangerous.

    But if you do, you’ve got plenty of company. Government figures show that many households with total income of $50,000 or less are spending more than they bring in. This doesn’t make you an automatic candidate for bankruptcy – but it’s definitely a sign you need to make some serious spending cuts.

  7. Beware of luxuries dressed up as necessities.

    If your income doesn’t cover your costs, then some of your spending is probably for luxuries – even if you’ve been considering them to be filling a real need.

  8. Tithe yourself.

    Aim to spend no more than 90 percent of your income. That way, you’ll have the other 10% left to save for your big-picture items.

  9. Don’t count on windfalls.

    When projecting the amount of money you can live on, don’t include dollars that you can’t be sure you’ll receive, such as year-end bonuses, tax refunds or investment gains.

  10. Beware of spending creep.

    As your annual income climbs from raises, promotions and smart investing, don’t start spending for luxuries until you’re sure that you’re staying ahead of inflation. It’s better to use those income increases as an excuse to save more.

Section 5

Effective Communication and Conflict Resolution for Couples

Before reading the excerpt about effective communication, I would like you to take notes about the barriers that the two of you face when you attempt to communicate. I also want you to identify a few effective communication strategies that you would like to use. Following reading the section together, I want you both to spend about 30 minutes each using “I” statements regarding a mildly difficult topic. The speaker should focus on how they feel when their partner does something, and then explain what they need instead. The listener should express empathy and summarize what the other is saying and tell them they can see it that way as well. The objective is to speak of an issue and be able to see it from your partner’s perspective. The objective is not to “right fight” or “right argue” about your position being right but rather being able to see things from your partner’s view. Both of you should practice being both the speaker and the listener. Once this is done, then read the excerpt about conflict resolution.

Effective-Communication-for-Couples

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While reading this excerpt, I would like both of you to write down what your main source of conflict is and then which strategy or tactic you will use to avoid or resolve this conflict or another conflict. After reading the session, I would like you both to spend about 30 minutes discussing the main source of conflict that you each have regarding the relationship or regarding the other. It will be important to once again follow the communication steps outlined above in the communication lesson or in the conflict resolution section. What I want you to add to this flow of discussion is what solution you both will chose to manage the conflict and then write out an actual plan of how you will handle the conflict when you are faced with it. I would like both of you to sign an agreement that you will follow your plans.

It is important that you are able to resolve conflict in marriage. The couples that do not solve conflict have the most trouble in marriage. Those that can and learn to solve conflict typically thrive. Remember to take a break in the event that either of you becomes heated during this discussion. Once you have calmed, please resume, make peace, and make a plan. Remember, that both of you need to chose a conflict and resolve it with the other person. Once you have completed this lesson, please proceed together to Section 6, the quiz and final section.

Conflict-Resolution-for-Couples

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Section 6 (Quiz)

Please complete Our Tennessee Premarital Quiz to complete the course. Once completed a notarized certificate will be mailed to you!

Bonus Material below! Also, please like, comment, and subscribe to D’Arienzo Psychology’s YouTube channel and/or Dr. D’Arienzo’s Instagram and let us know what relationship topics you would like us to cover in the future.

Your final quiz/questionnaire is located below the Bonus Material. 

In-Law Rescue!

It takes at least one hero to make a relationship work!

How often do men and women think about sex?

Parenting versus babysitting!

Over the past year I have been writing a book about the science of making relationships work. My working title is How Not to Fuck Up Your Life. The Art and Science of Finding the Right Partner—and Being the Right Partner—to Create a Lasting, Happy Relationship.

Why would a guy like me write a book like this. Well, I’m tired of reading all the mindless nonsense that is based on anecdotal information, outdated research, and prophesy, and I’m a psychologist that works with couples and I needed to find real information that I could sink my teeth into that made sense so I can help others. Plus, I’m a pretty happy guy and I love my wife, but I’m still a man with man qualities that can destroy a relationship. Although I work hard and play hard, I am messy, I use profanity, sometimes I’m selfish, and I often don’t understand my wife and my kids, yes, despite being an actual psychologist. Well, I wanted to figure out why is my relationship lasting when so many others are not. We Americans have high hopes for our marriages. Eighty-six percent of 18 to 29-year-olds expect marriage to last a lifetime, but only 52 % of women and 56 % of men will remain married for 20 years. Ouch.

I’ve examined the evolutionary psychological research and other psychological, social, and medical journals about what leads to relationship satisfaction and success. Together, along with my clinical and forensic experiences working with thousands of families and individuals, I have found there is a collection of universal factors that greatly determine one’s mate value and couple compatibility. Certainly, individual differences and preferences are limitless and continue to evolve, but in 2021, there remains generally a clear preference for certain traits for both gay and straight couples regardless of origin or nationality. It’s the balance of these traits possessed by each partner that determine compatibility and determine whether a relationship will be satisfying and successful.

As I have been writing about the science and art of mate selection, what evolved, no pun intended, was a collection of universal factors that I converted into two assessments. One to determine your personal mate value on the dating market or in your relationship and one test to determine couple compatibility. With this information, I intend to help you gain a better appreciation of where you stand in the mating pool and identify what you can do to improve your mate value to attract more quality mates or make your current mate happier with you. These assessments also improve your current relationship by identifying areas that need growth, and to give couples struggling with incompatibility attempting to force a square peg into a round hole the strength to end their relationship and free each other to be with someone more compatible and thus fulfilling to them.

The bottom line is that for relationships to work successfully, partners must be compatible based on their mutual mate values and certain personality qualities shared by both or at least one.

Here we go. Please note that at this time these are not scientific or clinical tests but are informational surveys.

The Mate Value Assessment (MVA), will provide an estimate score of your personal mate value. You will rank on a five-point scale the quality of each trait that you possess. You will then add those numbers and determine your score. Interpretations of your score are listed below the assessment.

Mate Value Assessment

(Rank from 1-5, 20 Items, Max score of 100)

Unless the item has specific scoring instructions, use this scale:

1 = This factor or trait is not present

2 = This factor or trait is only a little bit present

3 = This factor or trait is present half the time

4 = This factor or trait is present most of the time

5 = This factor or trait is strongly present or present all of the time

Being ambitious and industrious

This trait group is very important to all genders. The two worst qualities you can have as someone looking for a spouse are laziness and stinginess. Being industrious—whether it’s in your career or in how you handle a household—is a great predictor of the resources you will bring into a family. This holds whether you are male or female, gay or straight, although finding both an ambitious and industrious mate is usually more important for females while finding an industrious mate is important for males.

How ambitious and/or industrious are you on a 1-5 scale?

Being kind

Though it is perceived as a luxury in some cultures, men and women world-wide prefer a partner who is kind. Kindness to one’s partner is an indicator of commitment, cooperation, as well as protectiveness toward your partner, the relationship, and to one’s potential children, which is why kindness is a natural aphrodisiac.

How kind are you on a 1-5 scale?

Having a conscientious/reliable personality

This personality trait is highly sought-after by employers, but it’s important in relationships as well. Your spouse is going to have to rely on you to do what you say you’re going to do. Are you careful, honest, and do you follow through? If so, it will make you a good partner in securing and protecting resources for your future family.

How conscientious and reliable are you on a 1-5 scale?

Having a secure attachment style

You’ll know you have a secure attachment style if you’re not overly clingy or needy in relationships, yet willing to commit and comfortable doing so. A secure attachment style helps you to understand that while life isn’t all about you all the time, you do deserve a great relationship filled with passion and respect.

Attachment is weighted heavily here, as a secure attachment style also represents the lack of an avoidant, anxious, or mixed style. Were your parents empathic and responsive, while also giving you the freedom and independence to spread your wings as you grew into adulthood? Thank your lucky stars if you had healthy parents like this and are securely attached, or you devoted time toward personal growth and improving your emotional independence!

How secure is your attachment style on a 1-5 scale?

Being free from mental illness (or addressing it with a professional)

Untreated mental illness is a risk factor for relationship instability and divorce. If you are free from disorders or if not and actively seeking treatment, you are a good candidate for a long-term relationship. Remember, that depression and substance abuse are the two big relationships killers.

How free are you from an active psychological challenge on a 1-5 scale?

Having a healthy level of self-esteem

What does it mean to have a healthy level? Well, it means your self-esteem is high. You don’t need a lot of reassurance and you are able to make decisions with ease and confidence. You may even be a bit self-promoting. That’s okay! As long as your self-esteem doesn’t become so high that you tip over into malignant narcissism, you’ll make a great partner. If you believe you are God’s gift to men or women then you may stray from a loyal partner, so subtract two points from your perfect five.

How high is your self-esteem on a 1-5 scale?

An agreeable personality

This important personality trait is crucial if you want to maintain a long-term happy relationship. It manifests as being cooperative and easy going. Please note that agreeableness is not being a doormat in your relationship, it simply means that you can get along with others.

How agreeable are you on a 1-5 scale?

Intelligence

Above average to high intelligence is an attractive trait for many reasons, not least of which is its correlation with good communication skills, humor, problem solving, professional success, and status. Cross culturally men see it as more important that women, but its importance is on the rise for women, especially those with above average intelligence themselves.

How would you rate your intelligence on the scale?

Pursuing a long-term mating strategy (Commitment)

If you’re more interested in quantity over quality when it comes to partners, you’re not a good bet for someone looking for a long-term mate. Be honest about what you want and where you are in your life. If you are seeking a long-term monogamous relationship give yourself five points.

Rate your ability toward relationship commitment on the scale.

Education and Status

Education is often a signal of status and also intelligence, conscientiousness, and resources, which together are important to both men and women. Remember that in one study discussed, college aged women sought men at least in the 70th percentile of earning capacity while men sought women in at least the 40th percentile; and that more educated and higher status women find those ingredients proportionally even more important than their counterparts with less education and status. Further, remember that the more educated you are the more likely you are to stay married too.

Rate your education level and or status on the scale.

Having facial symmetry

Facial symmetry is a sign of healthy genetics and is prized by all cultures around the world. Remember that if you superimposed several pictures of the same gender on top of one another, the resulting picture would be the average of all those faces and thus symmetrical and would be very attractive. Also, remember that superimposing a picture of yourself or someone that looks like your parents would be rated as more attractive to you as well.

How symmetrical is your face? Is everything in the right place and the right size? Rate yourself on the 1 to 5 scale.

Having a V-shaped torso (men) or a waist-hip ratio of .70 (women)

These shapes are associated with protection and fertility respectively, and good health. If you are a man or woman, do you have a traditionally athletic build? If you are a woman, do you have a naturally young-looking figure?

Rate how your body shape conforms to what is viewed as attractive on the scale.

Having your own place to live

This is one of the most crucial requirements. This is a sign you are responsible, independent, and ready for a long-term relationship. Seriously, what adult wants to date someone living with their parents unless you are from an ethnic family? Having a roommate is okay as long as it’s not your parent, again, unless you are from an ethnic family.

Rate the quality of the place where you live on a 1 to 5 scale.

Having a job

Another crucial requirement you must have before pursuing a long-term relationship. You better have your own money for basic requirements. If you are dating someone, and you ask them for money early in the relationship, I am embarrassed for you! You have no business dating anyone. Get a job! My book, my rules.

Rate the quality of your job on a scale from 1 to 5.

Having a reliable means of transportation

Another key imperative you must have before pursuing a long-term relationship unless you live in an urban area with public transportation and it’s normal not to have a vehicle. This also means you can afford public or private transportation fees.

Rate the quality of your transportation on the scale.

Extroversion

This trait is correlated with an ability to gather or attract resources. If you have this trait, then you are not afraid to be around others in social settings. You do not have to be extroverted all the time, but you must have the ability to fake it. If you are way over the top with extraversion though, take two points off that perfect five because you may have a greater chance of straying.

Rate your level of extraversion on the scale.

Openness to new experiences

Sustaining a long-term intimate relationship requires you to try new things that may cause you discomfort. Life is full of changes and opportunities, and those most open to these situations whether good or bad, in the vein of promoting or maintaining your relationship, function well in relationships. Like extraversion, if you are way over the top in seeking new experiences, you may also have a tendency to stray, so then subtract two points from a perfect five.

Rate your level of openness to new experiences on the scale.

Being low on neuroticism

If you tend to be emotionally stable, not feel every slight to the bone, and you are less reactive to stress, then you are low on neuroticism. Are you calm and even-tempered? Even when someone cuts you off in traffic? If so, then give yourself five points.

Rate your level of emotional stability on the scale of 1-5.

Being tall (men) or exhibiting signs of fertility like youthfulness in comparison to others the same age (women)

As evolutionary psychology demonstrates, women look for signs of physical strength and resources like a man who is at least six feet tall, men look for fertility as manifested in toned muscles, thick hair, full lips, smooth skin, and a healthy figure…across all cultures in the world, and across all recorded history.

Rate how your physical features conform with this standard on a scale of 1 to 5.

Sense of humor

Men typically value women who are receptive to their humor; and women value a man with a good sense of humor—whether it is telling witty jokes or appreciating irony. Humor represents intelligence, complex thought processes, and an interest in social connections. It also assists in resolving conflict.

Although humor is related to intelligence and even agreeableness, it gets its own category because if you can make someone laugh, you can steal their heart, especially if you are a man and you can make a woman laugh. There are exceptions to this rule, of course, in which the roles are reversed.

Rate your sense of humor on a scale of 1-5.

Total:

High: 70-100

Your mate value is high. Look for a partner with a similarly high score and voilà, you’ll enjoy a happy and long-lasting union!

Medium: 69-40

Your mate value is in the mid-range. Look for places where you can improve yourself and therefore attract a higher-caliber partner.

Low: below 39

Your mate value is low; thus, you may want to devote a year or two to working on yourself before pursuing a serious relationship.

The book’s Compatibility Assessment will be released in the future.

You are now ready for the Final Quiz below, but first consider sharing your experience.

If you had a Five (5) Star experience taking our course, please please please share about it. The competition is fierce! Let others know how beneficial our course is. Use the link below to provide us with a review.

D’Arienzo Psychology’s Florida Premarital Course Page Review

Thank you again and best of luck!!!

Dr. D’Arienzo

If you have any questions, please visit our FAQ page on our website (/online-marital-course-faq/). If your question is not listed then feel free to contact us directly at [email protected] or 904-379-8094 during regular business hours (Mon-Fri, 9am-5pm, EST).

If you had a Five (5) Star experience taking our course, please please please, take a minute to give us a quick review so others know how beneficial our course is. The competition is fierce!  You can use the link below to provide us with a review. THANK YOU!!! Consider posting a picture of the two of you with your review. We love to see happy couples!!! 

D’Arienzo Psychology’s Google Biz Page

Thank you again and best of luck!!!

Dr. D’Arienzo