Learning to Manage Conflict with our Florida Premarital Preparation Course

Learning to Manage Conflict

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Couples that are able to understand and manage their emotions and behaviors, as well as understand how their partners respond to conflict, are significantly better equipped to have functional relationships. Couples who are able to effectively manage conflict find success in their relationship, whereas those that don’t manage conflict, often end in divorce. The Gottman’s uncovered four behaviors that are exhibited during conflict which either sustain conflict or lead to even greater conflict. I will discuss each of these behaviors, labeled the Four Horsemen, and also provide antidotes for each, below.

• CRITICISM – Though most relationships have an element of “criticism”, it is imperative that couples work on reducing the level of criticism that they give to their partner.When a relationship becomes negative or highly conflicted, most feedback is perceived as negative. In fact, constructive criticism is considered negative too. Research shows that for every one criticism given, five positive statements are needed to counteract the negative effect of this one statement. This makes finding a balance difficult when a relationship is already negative, as it becomes extremely difficult to have positive interactions.

• DEFENSIVENESS – Defensiveness is one of the most frequent behaviors I observe in couples therapy when there is conflict. A defensive response is often a reflex action to criticism or to perceived criticism. Sometimes there is no criticism; only feedback stated. However, the individual on the receiving end responds by blaming the other for doing the same thing, denies their responsibility in the matter or whines, and makes an excuse for their behavior. When the original speaker experiences the defensiveness of the receiver, they often feel invalidated and alone which leads the couple becomes more distant.

• STONEWALLING – “Stonewalling” is exactly as it sounds: the avoidance or refusal to address or communicate about an issue or conflict. To the other partner, stonewalling often feels as though they are “talking to a brick wall”. 85 percent of men use stonewalling as a way of dealing with conflict; yet, the men did not realize that this was a very destructive strategy. Men often use a distancing technique to cope with high levels of emotion. Remember that withdrawing from an argument does not solve it and “parallel living” has been found to be a consequence of this behavior over the longer term. Stonewalling leads to increased conflict and major melt downs when the non-stonewaller begins to chase the stonewaller about an issue. At some point, the stonewaller reacts with rage, often leading the couple to a regrettable incident.

• CONTEMPT – Contempt in a relationship is predictive of divorce in 86 percent of cases. “Contempt” can be described as any behavior which causes your partner to feel “put down”. Examples include: belittling your partner, treating them with disdain, eye rolling, sneering, insults, name calling, mocking, and cynicism. Contempt can be as simple as having disdain or disgust with your partner in how they chew gum, eat, drive, or snore at night.

Additional Tools to Resolve Conflict

It is imperative that both partners accept the “influence” of one another. Typically in relationships there is a top and a bottom where the top has ultimate veto power. Relationships are most effective when each party has equal veto power with majority of issues. Additionally, Dr. Gottman found that in the happiest of marriages, men are who accepted the influence of their partners. Examples of influence include: a belief that you can learn from your partner, not rejecting their opinions, and believing that they can also come up with good solutions.

Partners that make effective repairs have functional and successful relationships. This means that functional parties resolve problems or arguments during the argument. When couples resolve each argument, problems are resolved at that time and do not become additive or resurface during a future argument. Further, having a partner who has the ability to say they are sorry is crucial. Being able to say you are wrong takes courage, trust, and assists in reducing conflict and having a loving relationship.

Creating an atmosphere where one can break the negativity is helpful. One can use humor, offer their partner a cup of coffee or tea after the argument, ask their partner for a hug, or make light of the argument without invalidating the other. Make-up intimacy also helps make peace and reconnects the partners. Moreover, having a sense that your partner will accept your efforts to improve the situation and vice versa is paramount.

Making compromises is key in building trust, proving commitment, and ensuring safety.  Having a sense that your partner will give way on things during disagreement ensures safety. “Black and white thinking” – such as “I’m right so you must be wrong” –  is dangerous.  Couples must be able to give and take in an argument while sharing power.

Notably, couples need to fight with the end in mind. So what should the end solution consist of? The end in mind should focus on resolving the issue while simultaneously ensuring your partner feels good during and after the conflict.  Both partners must control their stubbornness. Couples should practice calming techniques. When we are flooded, we should pause or take a time-out for 20 to 30 minutes from an argument and then resume discussion in order to resolve the conflict.

Signs of flooding include: feeling overwhelmed, not being able to stay calm during arguments, wanting distance, and small issues becoming big ones. If you are flooded, take a break.

Dr. Gottman has developed a five step tool to discuss an issue or major problem that needs to be resolved. Remember the end goal is to gain a greater understanding of where your partner is coming from rather than to win the argument. When I work with couples, I want them both to feel like they have been heard, understood, and are accepted for their position.

In using the five steps below, couples should work through each step together.

1. 1. Feelings: Share how you felt about the situation. Do not say why you felt that way. Avoid commenting on your partner’s feelings. Stay in your lane.
   2. Realities: Describe your “reality.” Take turns. Summarize and validate at least one part of your partner’s reality. Remember, their reality should not be a threat to you. During conflict we have selective attention and therefore partners remember the same situation differently.
   3. Triggers: Share what experiences or memories you have had that might have escalated the interaction. Explain the stories of why these are triggers for each of you. Own your own trigger. Don’t blame, criticize, or minimize your partner’s triggers.
   4. Responsibility: Acknowledge your own role in contributing to the fight or incident. This is the opposite of defensiveness. When we take a little responsibility, deescalating begins for our partner.
   5. Constructive Plans: Plan together one way that each of you can make it better next time. Now that you both have a better appreciation of where your partner is coming from, have been heard, and each have taken some of the responsibility for the regrettable incident, you are better equipped to find a resolution with your partner

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