Welcome to The Dr. D’Arienzo Show where Erica and Dr. Justin D’Arienzo frankly and casually discuss relationship challenges, brain health, evolutionary psychology, parenting, and everything else psychology. They have been married for 20 plus years, have four children, and together they operate D’Arienzo Psychology, the largest psychology firm in North Florida together. You can find them on Instagram, YouTube, Facebook, and TikTok.
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How to Communicate Effectively
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Tips for Effective Communication: A Psychologist’s Perspective
Effective communication is a fundamental skill that plays a critical role in both personal and professional relationships. Despite its importance, many individuals struggle with it, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts. Notably, 67% of couples seeking therapy report communication as their primary issue. Here are some essential tips to enhance communication, from a psychologist’s perspective.
Active listening involves giving full attention to the speaker without interruptions or planning your response while they are talking. Show that you are listening through nodding and verbal acknowledgments like “I see” or “Go on.” Putting your phone down and maintaining eye contact demonstrates respect and attentiveness.
Everyone has a unique communication style, which can be broadly categorized into processors, volatile or controllers, and avoiders. Understanding your style can help you adjust your approach for more effective interactions. For example, avoiders need to balance candor and courage, while volatile and controllers should focus on humility and curiosity.
Staying calm and composed, especially during disagreements, is crucial. If you feel overwhelmed, take deep breaths or a brief pause. Avoid threat bias and the fundamental attribution error, which can distort your perception and response during conflicts. Metaphorically, “crushing the egg shells” means addressing issues head-on rather than tiptoeing around them.
Empathy involves understanding and sharing the feelings of another person. Use phrases like “I understand how you feel” or “That sounds challenging” to show empathy. Perspective-taking and sincere apologies can help de-escalate tensions. Think of empathy as intercepting “heat-seeking missiles” that target the heart of the conflict.
Use simple and direct language, avoiding jargon or overly complex sentences. Be specific about your thoughts and needs to prevent misunderstandings. Clarity in communication ensures that your message is understood as intended.
Non-verbal cues are powerful communicators. Maintain eye contact without staring, use open gestures, and avoid crossing your arms. A relaxed posture conveys openness and confidence.
Pay attention to the other person’s body language and vocal changes. Notice shifts in tone, pitch, and pace of speech, and respond appropriately to these non-verbal signals. This awareness can provide additional context to the verbal message.
Focus on the subject at hand and avoid veering off into unrelated issues. Address one point at a time to keep the conversation focused and productive.
Express your feelings and thoughts without blaming others. For example, say “I feel frustrated when…” instead of “You always…” This approach reduces defensiveness and promotes constructive dialogue.
When giving feedback, focus on specific behaviors rather than personal attributes. Use positive language and suggest improvements to foster growth and understanding.
Encourage deeper conversations by asking open-ended questions like “How did that make you feel?” or “What do you think about…?” This approach invites the speaker to elaborate and share more.
Recognize the other person’s feelings and experiences. Validation can be as simple as saying, “I see why you might feel that way.” This acknowledgment can strengthen the connection between communicators.
Don’t jump to conclusions about what the other person means or feels. Ask for clarification if you’re unsure about something to avoid misunderstandings.
Allow the other person time to express themselves fully. Be patient with yourself as well, recognizing that effective communication is a skill that takes time to develop.
Focus on finding a resolution rather than winning an argument. Collaborate on possible solutions and compromises to move forward constructively.
Check back on previous conversations to show ongoing interest and commitment. Revisit unresolved issues to ensure they are addressed and not forgotten.
Effective communication is key to building strong, healthy relationships. By practicing these strategies, individuals can improve their interactions, reduce misunderstandings, and create a more harmonious environment in both personal and professional settings. Developing these skills is a continuous process, but the rewards are well worth the effort.
Summary of Key Points:
By following these tips, individuals can enhance their communication skills, fostering better relationships and understanding in all aspects of life.
Why Do People Cheat?
Most people expect monogamy in their committed or marital relationship but infidelity is widespread – occurring in 20% of married couples & 70% of unmarried couples.
If you have been recently cheated on, you don’t have to make a decision right now about what to do. You can wait until the dust settles. On the other hand, if you are thinking about cheating, don’t do it – fix your relationship or get out of it.
There is no greater sense of betrayal than being the victim of infidelity. Discovering an affair calls into question every assumption about your partner, yourself, your relationship and your life. Sexual jealousy – both perceived infidelity & actual infidelity – is a driver of intimate partner violence for both men and women. Men & women kill each other, the other’s lover and themselves over infidelity. That is how serious the impact is.
Not only is infidelity damaging to your relationship, it greatly impacts the physical & psychological health of both parties for years – creating the need for psychologists like us to step in! We will prevent further damage & promote healing by helping you figure out what is the best situation going forward.
Let’s talk about what it is, how often it happens, who is at risk and how to recover from it if it happens. We will discuss infidelity in both married and unmarried relationships.
Infidelity 101
Researchers identify infidelity as an extradyadic relationship or behavior – which refers to a wide range of behaviors occurring outside of a committed relationship from actual sex to having an emotional relationship to masturbating without your partner. Psychologists have also expanded the types of infidelity to account for technology.
The current types of infidelity include:
Men report greater levels of jealousy & distress in response to sexual infidelity than emotional infidelity. In contrast, women report more distress with emotional infidelity. At this point – although the research is not clear – both genders are similarly impacted by technological infidelity.
Sexual & technological infidelity engender the most intense negative emotions. Technological infidelity causes individuals to be triggered and suspicious when their spouse is on the phone or computer in the future. It also involves sexting, sending pictures, and an emotional relationship.
General Causes of Affairs
The greatest offenders are living separate lives, loneliness, drudgery, economic difficulties and finding someone is interested in you when your partner is not. Social media – specifically Facebook & Instagram – are also huge offenders. Affairs often being on social media when someone innocently catches up with a long-lost love.
Risk Factors for Infidelity
Narcissism & Infidelity
Is narcissism related to sexual infidelity? Yes – but not in the way you think. Sexual narcissism is most related to infidelity. For both men and women, narcissism related to sexual exploitation, grandiose sense of sexual skills & sexual entitlement are related to infidelity. Lack of sexual empathy is associated with increased infidelity for men only.
Despite this, sexual skills are associated with relationship satisfaction – which is why it is important to have a good sex life whether you are a narcissist or not.
Military Deployment & Infidelity
I worked as a psychologist in the Navy for five years – where I was deployed for seven months to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba & then on an aircraft carrier for about a year. I was married during both deployment cycles so I know first hand how deployment put a strain on relationships – especially with children. For instance, I did not meet my second child until she was nearly seven months old due to my Cuba deployment. It was up to my wife to manage the birth and then raise two kids on her own until I came home.
As a deployed psychologist, I was aware of infidelity by those deployed and their spouses remaining at home. There was significantly less infidelity by service people onboard ships because there were much fewer women than men. In contrast, there was an equal number of men and women in GTMO so many of the people deployed had what we called GTMO wives and GTMO husbands – a.k.a. substitutes for their spouses at home. I did not.
We know that those in the military with a prior history of separation, those who have already made steps toward divorce or have had significant relationship distress prior to a deployment are more prone to infidelity. Rates of divorce following infidelity are much higher in the military compared to their civilian counterparts because if infidelity occurs during deployment, that couple will most likely get divorced quickly upon their return.
Power & Infidelity
The research suggests that both men and women become more unfaithful with more power. Certainly, power is attractive but what is the issue with power? Power increases both genders’ confidence in their ability to attract partners – which is then associated with increased rates of infidelity. Confidence affects both genders equally.
There are likely many surface reasons for these apparent gender similarities but the reasoning behind the infidelity differs. Powerful women do it to trade up while men do it to cast a wider net. A great example of this is the Great Recession of 2008 when many men lost their jobs. Their wives went back to work and inevitably became the breadwinner – which led to them having an affair in the workplace.
Is Serial Infidelity at Thing?
One study found that those who cheated in their past relationship were three times more likely to do it again in their next relationship. Those who had been cheated on in their prior relationship were two times as likely to face it again. Those who suspected their former partner to have cheated were four times more likely to report suspicions about their current partner.
Research acknowledges that both partners may play a role in creating relationship characteristics that could potentially increase the chance of infidelity. Is the cheater always a cheater or is the other doing things that leads the other to cheat or is it somewhere in between? Those who had suspicions in a past relationship tend to show more suspicions in future relationship. This persistent suspiciousness is most likely related to their parental attachment style rather than their partner choice, however, it is possible that they are instrumental in whether their partner is unfaithful or abandons the relationship.
Whether you have been faithful or not in a past relationship does not determine your partners fidelity in your current relationship. those who had suspicions in a past relationship show more suspicions in future relationship. This persistent suspiciousness is most likely related to their parental attachment style rather than their partner choice and it is possible that they are instrumental in whether their partner is unfaithful or abandons the relationship.
Every couple is different and despite the rates of repeat offending, most people who had committed it or experienced it in a prior relationship did not have a repeat experience in their current relationship – which means there is hope.
Immediate Steps Toward Relationship Recovery with an Emphasis on Preventing Further Damage & Promoting Healing
About 65% of couples remain together after an affair. Many couples rebuild their relationships and often speak of having an entirely new relationship together. It is common for men to say that they would end the relationship if their wife ever cheated on them but in reality, many men stick by their wives after an affair – especially if they share children.
Take Away
Working on infidelity is no easy task. It takes immense courage to be transparent as well as to forgive. It also takes great courage to leave a long-term relationship that includes serial infidelity. I’ve been doing this for a long time and have seen many people who have turned against their values and have lived with the unacceptable for fear of embarrassment & shame. Be bold & do what needs to be done – no one but you is going to change your life. Life is short, do it now!!!
Has Hookup Culture Destroyed the Next Generation?
Understanding Hookup Culture: A Psychologist’s Perspective
Hookup culture, characterized by casual sexual encounters without the expectation of a committed relationship, has become increasingly prevalent in modern society. From a psychologist’s perspective, understanding the motivations and consequences of this phenomenon is essential for promoting healthy relationships and mental well-being.
The rise of hookup culture can be attributed to various factors, including shifting societal norms, the influence of social media, and dating apps. These platforms have made it easier for individuals to connect and engage in casual encounters. While some people participate in hookup culture for the thrill, convenience, or exploration, it’s important to recognize the psychological implications.
Engaging in casual sex can impact individuals differently. For some, it may boost self-esteem and provide a sense of empowerment. However, for others, it can lead to feelings of emptiness, anxiety, or depression, especially if it conflicts with their personal values or if they seek deeper emotional connections. It’s crucial to practice safe sex and maintain open communication to ensure positive experiences.
Ultimately, hookup culture reflects broader societal changes, but individuals must navigate it with self-awareness and respect for their emotional well-being. By understanding the psychological aspects, individuals can make informed decisions that align with their values and promote healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Key Points:
How Do I Get Over an Ex Who Seems Like He Doesn’t Care?
How Do I Get Over an Ex Who Seems Like He Doesn’t Care? A psychologist’s perspective
As a psychologist, I recently sat with a young woman who was struggling to make sense of a breakup that left her feeling blindsided. She had been with her boyfriend from age 17 to 23, formative years filled with shared milestones and dreams. Just weeks before the breakup, he had been talking about marriage. Then suddenly, he told her he was heading to medical school and couldn’t make her a priority. It felt like the rug had been pulled out from under her.
To make matters more confusing, he asked to see her again after ending the relationship. She was stuck in emotional limbo, clinging to mixed signals and wondering how someone who once loved her so deeply could seem so emotionally distant now.
This is an incredibly painful and disorienting place to be. When someone we’ve built a life with walks away and appears unfazed, it can feel like we’re grieving alone. But here’s what I told her, and what I’d tell anyone in her shoes:
You will be okay without him.
Understanding you will be okay is the best mindset to have when dealing with this uncertainty. It doesn’t feel that way right now because you’ve spent years linking your identity, plans, and happiness to another person. But his withdrawal doesn’t define your worth, and it certainly doesn’t dictate your future.
Don’t act out of desperation—act out of dignity.
When someone leaves but dangles emotional crumbs (like wanting to “check in” or “stay friends”), it’s easy to fall into a loop of hoping, waiting, or trying to prove your value. But that only keeps you stuck. Reclaiming your power starts with saying: I deserve clarity, not confusion. Commitment, not convenience.
You are still in control of your story.
Yes, he made the decision to leave, but you now get to decide what happens next. You can choose to block, unfollow, journal, cry, go to therapy, go back to school, whatever helps you rebuild your world around you, not around the possibility of him coming back.
Heartbreak is not a sign of weakness; it’s a sign that you cared deeply. But healing doesn’t happen by waiting for someone to regret leaving. It happens when you realize your life is still rich with possibility, even without the person you thought you’d share it with.
How to Talk to Your Kids About Your Divorce
How to Talk to Your Kids About Your Divorce: A psychologist’s perspective
Telling your children about your divorce is one of the hardest conversations you’ll ever have, but it’s also one of the most important. The goal isn’t to say everything perfectly, but to lay a foundation of emotional safety and ongoing support.
Start With a Family Meeting
The first step is scheduling a family meeting where both parents talk to the children together. This helps your kids see that, while your relationship as partners is ending, your role as co-parents remains united. Choose a Friday or Saturday morning for this conversation. That gives them the weekend to begin processing their emotions before returning to the routine of school.
Keep It Honest but Age-Appropriate
Be truthful without oversharing. Children need clear, simple information. Avoid unnecessary details like infidelity, which can confuse or emotionally burden them. Use neutral, non-blaming language.
Reassure, Reassure, Reassure
Make it crystal clear: This is not your fault. Kids often internalize blame for a divorce. Repeating this message helps ease guilt and anxiety.
Stay Calm and Compassionate
Your children will look to you for emotional cues. Staying calm and grounded, even when you’re hurting, can help them feel more secure. It’s okay to show emotion, but avoid overwhelming them. Keep the focus on their experience, not yours.
Invite Their Feelings
Allow space for your kids to react, whether they cry, get angry, or say nothing at all. Let them know it’s okay to feel confused or upset. You don’t need to fix their feelings, just be present and validate them.
Stick to Routines
In times of change, structure creates safety. Keep bedtimes, school schedules, meals, and family rituals as consistent as possible. Stability in daily life helps kids adjust emotionally.
Check In Regularly
That first conversation should be one of many. Don’t expect your children to fully process the news in one sitting. Continue to check in as things evolve, especially during transitions like moving, changing custody schedules, or introducing new partners.
Know When to Get Help
If your child shows signs of prolonged distress, consider seeking support from a child psychologist or family therapist. Sometimes having a neutral third party helps kids express feelings they might be protecting you from.
Divorce is a difficult chapter, but it doesn’t have to define your children’s future. With honesty, consistency, and care, you can guide them through this transition in a way that leaves them feeling loved, safe, and resilient.
In-Laws Are a Relationship Killer: Why Boundaries Matter More Than You Think
In-Laws Are a Relationship Killer: Why Boundaries Matter More Than You Think
It’s often said that when you marry someone, you marry their family too. But what happens when that family, especially the mother-in-law, starts to sabotage the relationship from within?
In many strained marriages, the tension doesn’t begin with the couple. It begins with his mother.
When Moms Won’t Let Go
In-law conflict often starts with a dynamic that’s as old as time: a mother who struggles to let go of her son. She may not do it consciously, but the message is clear, no one will ever be good enough for him. Meanwhile, the son, caught between his loyalty to his wife and fear of disappointing his mother, often chooses silence. And in that silence, damage grows.
The Daughter-in-Law Responds
When a mother-in-law is cold, controlling, or intrusive, the daughter-in-law often reacts, pulling back, setting boundaries, or growing resentful. Unfortunately, this can confirm the mother’s suspicions and deepen the divide. It’s a loop: mom sets the tone, and the daughter-in-law is expected to absorb it quietly.
The Evolutionary Angle
Believe it or not, there’s an evolutionary explanation behind this. From a biological perspective, parents are hardwired to care about the genetics of their future grandchildren. They may not articulate it this way, but subconsciously they’re evaluating whether a partner is “good enough” for the family gene pool. It’s primal and often irrational.
When the Husband Doesn’t Step Up
The real damage happens when the husband doesn’t defend his wife. If he lets his mother call the shots, criticize his partner, or micromanage family life, his wife ends up feeling isolated and unprotected. And over time, that sense of betrayal chips away at the foundation of the marriage.
Dating? Pay Attention to Red Flags
If you’re dating someone whose mother constantly inserts herself into your relationship, and your partner won’t set boundaries, take it seriously. This pattern rarely improves with time. If your partner can’t establish independence now, things may only get worse once you’re married.
Married? You Must Be a United Front
If you’re already married, there’s only one path forward: unity. You and your spouse must stand together, even if that means having difficult conversations with family. Your loyalty must be to each other first. Because in-laws don’t destroy relationships, a partner’s failure to set boundaries does.
Love doesn’t just need romance, it needs protection. And sometimes, the most loving thing a partner can do is draw a firm line with their own family.
Marriage Is a Huge Risk—And the Most Important Decision You’ll Ever Make
Marriage Is a Huge Risk—And the Most Important Decision You’ll Ever Make
Marriage isn’t just about love. It’s about merging two entire worlds: ideas, values, beliefs, habits, in-laws, and personal histories. When two people say “I do”, they’re not just committing to a person, they’re stepping into a lifelong negotiation between who they are, where they come from, and who they want to become together.
The Clashing of Two Worlds
No matter how compatible a couple seems, marriage inevitably brings friction. Why? Because you’re not just marrying someone, you’re marrying their story. Their worldview. Their family. Their triggers. Their expectations. And unless these differences are talked about before the wedding, they will erupt after.
Starting on the Right Footing Matters
Research is clear; how a marriage begins strongly predicts how it continues. Couples who start off with clear communication, aligned expectations, and tools for handling conflict are more likely to build strong, lasting partnerships. On the flip side, unresolved tension at the start often becomes the default dynamic.
Premarital Education Is a Smart Move
That’s why premarital education is so important. Online premarital courses can help couples unpack difficult conversations before they become landmines. From finances and family planning to boundaries with in-laws and values around parenting, structured programs give couples the language, tools, and perspective to start strong. Our premarital courses offered in in Texas, Florida, Tennessee, Minnesota, Georgia, South Carolina, or Oklahoma will help you save money on your marriage license in addition to falling deeper in love.
Marriage is a beautiful commitment, but it’s also a massive risk. Don’t leave it to chance. Prepare thoughtfully, talk openly, and make sure you’re not just ready for the wedding, but ready for the life that follows.